99 Reasons Why A Car Is Better Than A Woman.

I want to state with as much certainty as Bill Clinton did during the allegations of sexual misconduct with THAT white house intern... I LOVE WOMEN. I mean basically, why shouldn't I?

They have "beautiful voices" (sometimes, it croaks and gets a toad jealous but it's okay); they have the ability to REALLY sweat the small stuff; they can change moods for no reason whatsoever and hence keep the relationship "exciting"; they bleed periodically (trust me, there are times you'll PRAY for that to happen... or else, CHILD SUPPORT -- shout out to Nneka); they can't pee against gravity (or write their names on the sand with their pee -- shout out to Barrister Val); and the best for last -- they have boobies.

Such grace, such poise, such... BEAUTY.

All leather interior - - look at the stitching. Holy Moses.

It's the little details that matter... The car doors.

 Look carefully at this car and tell me that you don't love it... that you aren't already day dreaming about the speed you can reach while at the steering wheel. 

Compare the car to this woman... 

I ALMOST puked too...

But I'm being unfair, afterall cars can be very ugly too. For instance, EVERY car from Peugeot is just plain rubbish to drive and look at... to such a point that a dehydrated camel with mouth sores has more sex appeal compared to it.

His Royal Hideousness... with the gay grille.

So, which woman can compare to this car? Angelina Jolie and a couple of girls I've met do come to mind... 

Beautiful... nose.

DISCLAIMER: I've NEVER met these particular women in my entire life.

So, now it's clear how much I adore women (EXCESSIVELY), the title of this blog entry won't offend them... or have them walking up to me with glares and angry opening statements that can induce testicular atrophy. (shout out to Nneka.)

And that people is why I love cars.

Now, without further ado... and no ceremony of any kind:

1. All your car’s problems can be fixed.
2. If you hit your car it never hits you back.
3. You always dump your car, it NEVER dumps you.
4. If you have many cars, they’ll wait patiently for their turn.
5. Your car helps you pursue and bed other women.
6. You can brand your car with your initials externally and internally.
7. Courtship, pre-nup, marriage and divorce are non-existent in a car’s vocabulary.
8. Your car can never ever get pregnant “accidentally”.
9. Your car will never tell people your closely guarded secrets.
10. You can ignore your car for three months or more and come back to it later without any drama from it.
11. Your car is ALWAYS undressed.
12. Your car has no problem being the sole bread winner.
13. Your car is forever obedient… even against its best interest.
14. Your car is incapable of jealousy.
15. You can place stickers on your car.
16. Your car will make your life easier by default.
17. Your car has a charging port for your cellphone.
18. Your car never complains when you’re drunk.
19. Your car can stay young FOREVER.
20. Your car will never have breast cancer.
21. You can use your car as collateral.
22. Your car will never give you Chlamydia.
23. Your car is incapable of growing chest hairs.
24. Your car will NEVER get fat.
25. Your car will never grow a beard or mustache.
26. You can pay for a car in monthly installments.
27. Your car never minds if you shamelessly ogle another car in its presence.
28. Your car responds to logic rather than emotions.
29. Your car will never ignore you because of the kids.
30. Your car never lies about its age.
31. Your car doesn’t wear push-up bras.
32. When you’re tired of your car, you can destroy it without serving jail time.
33. Your car will always brave harsh weather conditions for your sake.
34. Your car will never be “born again”.
35. Your car will never flirt with other men.
36. Your car has no self image issues.
37. Your car is predictable.
38. Your car can excite you for the rest of your life.
39. Your car doesn’t lie about its virginity.
40. You can smoke in your car.
41. Your car will BELIEVE anything you tell her. (shout out to Ifeoma)
42. Your car comes with an operational manual.
43. Your car doesn’t have premenstrual syndrome.
44. Your car never fights with your mother when she visits.
45. Your car can see in the dark.
46. Your car never asks: “So, how many girls?” (shout out to Ada)
47. You never feel threatened when other men shamelessly ogle your car.
48. ANYTIME your car complains of a “headache” when you touch her, it isn’t a lie.
49. Your car can be auctioned off to the highest bidder without feminist groups threatening you.
50. You can live in your car.
51. Your car can be fitted with a tracking device.
52. Your car has an air conditioner and a heater.
53. Your car can never EVER fart.
54. Your car loves you unconditionally.
55. Your car has an in-built cup holder.
56. Your car never has refractive errors. (shout out to Nneka)
57. Your car will never say: “I told you so”.
58. Your car offers solutions to your problems.
59. Your car will never have cellulite on the buttocks.
60. Your car will never criticize your musical tastes.
61. Your car doesn’t run to its father’s house when you hit it.
62. Your car doesn’t snore in its sleep.
63. Your car will never laugh at the size of your penis.
64. Your car is a realist and not an idealist.
65. Your car never sends you conflicting messages.
66. Your car is a VERY cheap date.
67. Your car can shut up instantly at the turn of a key. (shout out to Ijeoma)
68. Your car will readily adapt to YOUR moods.
69. Your car will never ask for your input on which shoe to wear and then berate you for making that choice. (shout out to Anita)
70. Your car will never display its hairy butt crack on okada.
71. You can have multiple clones of the same car.
72. You can eat in your car.
73. Your car never asks where you’ve been.
74. Your car can never wear wigs.
75. Your car never has a sarcastic comeback to your otherwise stupid questions.
76. Your car doesn’t play psychological mind games.
77. Your car is not an annoying tease.
78. Your car WILL stay with you for better or worse.
79. Your car will never ask for expensive jewelry.
80. Your car will not become a quivering idiot in times of danger.
81. Your car will not have urinary incontinence at any point of its existence.
82. All of your car’s congenital problems are compatible with life.
83. Your car willingly accepts all the blame for YOUR mistakes and errors.
84. The right car will appreciate over the years.
85. Your car requires little maintenance.
86. Your car can be loaned out to friends.
87. You can ALWAYS fart in your car.
88. You can invite men to come and “feel” your car.
89. You can own a car and still be single… to mingle.
90. Your car will not be tempted by another man’s trappings of wealth.
91. Your car doesn’t lie about its promiscuity.
92. You can hide condoms in your car.
93. Your car never answers your questions with another question.
94. Your car never has annoying female friends.
95. Your car doesn’t mind if you name her after one of your ex-girlfriends.
96. You can carry out a tedious monologue with your car… and it will never yawn.
97. Your car doesn’t mind if you kiss and tell.
98. Your car can unobtrusively accompany you and your guys to a strip club... and wait outside.
99. Your car is a non-living thing. 

And there you have it. 

Later.

NEXT ARTICLE: Love IS Selfish... NOT Sacrificial: On Selfish and Sacrificial Love (on the 19th of January, 2012)

Robert - - Still ruling.

Did I miss a point? Click the comment link below and let me know.