So I wanted to launch my blog in a big way and told my imaginary assistant to get a hold of Imaginary Larry King and do a kind of interview. He was a pleasant fellow over the phone and sounded enthusiastic about the whole deal. He even offered me a back rub to help me relax before the interview. I politely declined in the same demeanor as Mother Theresa would have... if she was offered a threesome in a church... with silverback apes.
But when I got to the studio and his imaginary hot female assistant told me that he harbored a fifteen year old grudge against me and his imaginary hot young babe was a previous conquest of mine, I had a feeling the interview would turn out to be anything but smooth and pleasant like getting a neck massage from a willing female friend. (Shout out to Ifeyinwa.)
Mmmmm, memories...
Anyway, here’s the transcript from the doomed imaginary interview:
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Imaginary Larry King: Welcome viewers. Tonight, I’m interviewing Robert Chukwuka. A self-proclaimed Nigerian pretty boy, he is also a narcissist, perfectionist, retard who thinks he's a genius and a wordsmith. He’s notorious for being a proud and snobbish fellow among acquaintances; a somewhat Jekyll and Hyde personality with an eccentric disposition among close friends; a lovable and unusual dude among his family members. He enjoys exposing the stupidity in people, suffering fools gladly and generally basking in the awesomeness of his personality. He’s here to talk about his new blog: The BlindSpot.
Imaginary Larry King: (Talking in a loud voice, all superior like) So, what’s the blog all about? Why call it The BlindSpot?
Robert: Relax, Larry. First and foremost, it’s about showing off how smart and awesome I am. Then, it’s about educating or rather bringing to your awareness, certain viewpoints that may have escaped your judgment in everyday life. This happens as a result of parental upbringing, societal pressure and the brain’s innate ability to be ignorant of things that may require a shift in the personality of an individual. Hence, the name: the ‘BlindSpot’.
ILK: So, why even bother about blogging about these viewpoints when you could’ve easily bullied people into accepting your viewpoints in person?
R: That’s an easy question Imaginary Larry King. This is why:
Entertainment – I enjoy clowning around and amusing myself a lot. This medium just makes it easier for people to join in the silliness. Especially those who are slow to get my jokes. They can take their time to let it sink in without feeling inferior under my withering stare.
Education – I hate ignorant people. I detest the narrow-minded blathersnakes. I despise arrogance. So at least, the new people I meet could come to this blog and see how my head works… and they could then stay longer as a friend.
ILK: How frequently will your readers expect a fresh article?
R: Bi-weekly, dude.
ILK: Why that long?
R: Like seriously, guy. Procrastination’s a middle name of mine.
ILK: What kind of articles should we expect in this blog?
R: A myriad of topics will be covered here and unless you’re the burnt pubic hair of a male asian goat, you should enjoy this blog. Articles to be covered include:
2. Philosophy in simple, layman English.
3. Occasional rants and diatribes about my pet peeves.
4. Famous and infamous personalities alive and dead.
5. Me telling you what music albums to listen to.
6. Random Musings.
7. Me telling you what Television shows and Movies to watch.
8. The destruction of stupid popular myths.
9. World news commentary and using my dog's life for various analogies.
10. Schizophrenic thoughts that inhabit the deep pockets of my brain.
11. The scrutiny of popular biblical sayings.
ILK: Did anyone influence or encourage you on getting this blog off the ground?
R: Damn, Larry. Why do you have to be so indifferent dude? The blog is called “the BlindSpot”.
ILK: Sorry, DUDE. Blah, blah, blah The BLINDSPOT off the ground?
R: Nah. I did it all myself.
ILK: (Rolling eyes) REALLY?
R: Alright, some people at least encouraged me: Shout out to Uzoma Dick-Nwoke for noticing my raw talent; Alex Onyemeh for suggesting I publish my writings; Uko for being a spoke in a wheel persona basically; Mary-Ann for warning me about the dangers of inconsistent article updates; My Pops for calling me a prolific writer; My Ma for exposing me to what’s really out there; the English teachers in secondary school for putting page limits for class essays because I always wrote voluminously and for scoring me high; most importantly, MYSELF , for finally allowing me to get the BlindSpot off the ground.
There, happy now?
ILK: Actually, I am.
R: Then you’re a schizophrenic fool.
ILK: (Shocked) What did you call me?
R: Schizophrenic fool.
ILK: Whatever. How will regularly reading the BlindSpot affect your readers?
R: They would:
- Be less weird around me. If we ever meet in person that is.
- Become funnier and tolerate my jokes better instead looking like they are having a uterine rupture.
- Become boring company… to stupid people.
- Become smarter.
- Start questioning things instead of accepting things on the premise that majority is always right.
- Become sex addicts.
ILK: Hold up. Become Sex ADDICTS?
R: I’m just fucking around Larry. (Smiling sweetly)
ILK: Right. You got me there. You bloody ass licker.
R: (Shocked)
ILK: (Sweetly) Any closing statements?
R: Dude, this ain’t a law court.
ILK: Oh yeah. I forgot. I should’ve finished law school.
R: (Sticks out his tongue at Larry while pulling down the inferior margin of both eyelids with both index fingers to expose the underlying mucosa like a medical doctor does when checking for pallor in patients.)
ILK: (Irritated) What should people know about you?
R: (Airily) You know Larry, your sideburns look like my dog’s ass hair.
ILK: (Fuming) Reginald, I can’t take this anymore. This dude’s a fucking puerile. I’m ending this interview.
Producer: Don’t end it Larry. I think he’s funny.
ILK: (Glowering) Why do you think people will even read your shitty BlindSpot?
R: (With a twinkle in the eyes) Real classy, Larry. People will read this blog to:
1. Enjoy the tongue in cheek nature of the blog.
2. Discover a new way of looking at things.
3. Let me know how idiotic I am for starting this blog in the first place.
4. See if I’ll actually deliver on the articles bi-weekly.
5. Worship me as a demi god.
6. See if I’ll reveal the size of my genitals somewhere in an article.
7. See if I’ll develop a self-destructive habit that will kill me way ahead of my time.
ILK: I hope you do.
R: Of course, I will Larry. The articles will be delivered on time.
ILK: No, I meant I hope you develop a self-destructive habit and die way ahead of your time, you self-absorbed son of a bitch.
R: Gee thanks, Larry. This interview is over. It’s been a pleasure. (Gets up and starts making out with Larry’s hot young babe)
ILK: (Stunned) This has been… (Enraged) …Larry King Live, bitches! (pulls out a pistol) Hey Robbie! You devil incarnate, you forgot your parting gift.
Producer: Turn to the commercials you bloody technicians! Someone get my iphone, my youtube homies will love this!
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And I swear by the medial two-thirds of the axillary hair in my left axillary fossa, this is how it went down:
I beat Imaginary Larry King's imaginary ass.
Youtube banned the imaginary video.
I kicked out his imaginary babe by 3am.
Only me.
NEXT ARTICLE: 99 reasons why a car is better than a woman.
Again, Welcome to the BlindSpot.
Later,
Robert -- Still ruling.
P.S.: Exercise your right to free speech and expression and comment below... I promise I won't slap you.
